It all started at work one day. There was this project I was on and we were running up against a deadline far too fast. Probably not going to make it but we were going to try anyway. Then, crash! Out of the blue - we are getting a new project manager. Clearly there is no possible way we are finishing now. What happened? Why would they do this?
I'm going in circles thinking about this. Very upset. I go home and bang on drums for awhile in Rock Band. That doesn't really help. I talk to some people. That doesn't help either. I have this furious energy that won't go away. I need some big help
Eventually I get around to where I should have started: Prayer. I even take the step of actually kneeling down, getting on my knees to pray. "More." I don't even get all the way situated before I get a response. "More". I'm already on my knees, what more is there?
Oh. I guess I could actually lay down on my face.
I laid down. I don't want to deal with this anymore. The words just come to me. "I surrender....I surrender." That's all I did. The weight... was not totally gone. But it was somehow more bearable now. I knew I would be ok.
Soon after, I found out the terrible news that a good friend of mine was thinking of getting a divorce. Things were not going well. I tried to help out as best as I could, to both of them. I did my best to let go and let God lead me. I was still in the surrender frame of mind. There were times when they were asking for my help and I had no clue what to do. I just prayed. Waited. Responded when He gave me the words to respond. Was led through some minefields. I don't know how much I helped, but I knew I was doing what I was supposed to.
The final amazement came a little while later. My wife was pregnant again (yay!) and was getting pretty sick. Couldn't do much to help out around the house or with our 2 yr old son. Weekends became very tough for me. I had to do pretty much all the housework myself, plus take care of both of them. Sometimes I just wanted a break.
I started to resent it. Why was all this on me? It wasn't fair.
One weekend I decided that this was enough. I had it planned out. The second I got tired I was going to tell her that it was her turn for awhile. I was looking forward to it. Just waiting until my energy faltered a bit. Waiting until I got a bit tired. Waiting.... and then I realized. I wasn't getting tired. I had energy to spare. What happened? I knew. God was saying "I've got this. I will give you more than enough to get by. Just keep on going." I learned yet again how to surrender a bit more.
The refiner's fire is painful. Yet down in the valleys are where the most growth happens. With His help, I can slowly learn to be thankful for this.