Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Darkness Within

So here I am again.  Debating internally.  Do I go forward with this or not?  I know I shouldn't.  I don't even want to.  What I want to do is run away.  Get out of here and get back to safety.  Yet... I am still here.  Frozen in indecision.  The longer I wait here the easier it is to go ahead with it.  Rationalize it somehow.  I can rationalize anything given enough time to think about it.  I know this too.  Why can't I run?

There is an escape, I know there is, but it seems so far away.  Maybe I will even turn away this time, but it always comes back.  I could just go ahead and do this thing and get it over with and hate myself and forget about it soon after, until the next time.  I hate myself for even being able to be tempted by this thing.  I know better!  I want to be better!  But... no matter what I do, I just can't shake it off completely.

Temptation.  It's tough.  And it won't go away as long as you live.  This is the dual nature we live with.  Our sinful nature that we were born with, waging war against the holy nature infused in us by our savior.  This is great evidence for Christianity, it's the only worldview I know of that really tackles this problem of sin head on and makes sense of it all in this messy life.  I feel so bad for the ones that don't even have that, and are left to struggle on their own. 

There is some hope.  God always provides a way out each time you are tempted.  It is your decision to do it or not.  Sometimes he even interferes when we are making the wrong choice: a sudden phone ring, knock on the door, or cat knocking something over can be just the distraction we need to get away.  Although even when I have had several layers of this going on, at times I still pressed on.  Finally there was a point where God just let me go and find what I was looking for, but really didn't want.  Sigh.

We can take comfort that even the great apostle Paul struggled with these same things.  "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  This terrible thing may have a purpose in the end though:  it does keep us humble and reminds us that we need to turn to God constantly in this life, for by our own strength we are too weak.

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