Surrender

It all started at work one day.  There was this project I was on and we were running up against a deadline far too fast.  Probably not going to make it but we were going to try anyway.  Then, crash!  Out of the blue - we are getting a new project manager.  Clearly there is no possible way we are finishing now.  What happened?  Why would they do this?

I'm going in circles thinking about this.  Very upset.  I go home and bang on drums for awhile in Rock Band.  That doesn't really help.  I talk to some people.  That doesn't help either.  I have this furious energy that won't go away.  I need some big help

Eventually I get around to where I should have started:  Prayer.  I even take the step of actually kneeling down, getting on my knees to pray.  "More."  I don't even get all the way situated before I get a response.  "More".  I'm already on my knees, what more is there? 

Oh.  I guess I could actually lay down on my face. 

I laid down.  I don't want to deal with this anymore.  The words just come to me.  "I surrender....I surrender."  That's all I did.  The weight... was not totally gone.  But it was somehow more bearable now.  I knew I would be ok. 

Soon after, I found out the terrible news that a good friend of mine was thinking of getting a divorce.  Things were not going well.  I tried to help out as best as I could, to both of them.  I did my best to let go and let God lead me.  I was still in the surrender frame of mind.  There were times when they were asking for my help and I had no clue what to do.  I just prayed.  Waited.  Responded when He gave me the words to respond.  Was led through some minefields.  I don't know how much I helped, but I knew I was doing what I was supposed to.

The final amazement came a little while later.  My wife was pregnant again (yay!) and was getting pretty sick.  Couldn't do much to help out around the house or with our 2 yr old son.  Weekends became very tough for me.  I had to do pretty much all the housework myself, plus take care of both of them.  Sometimes I just wanted a break.

I started to resent it.  Why was all this on me?  It wasn't fair. 

One weekend I decided that this was enough.  I had it planned out.  The second I got tired I was going to tell her that it was her turn for awhile.  I was looking forward to it.  Just waiting until my energy faltered a bit.  Waiting until I got a bit tired.  Waiting.... and then I realized.  I wasn't getting tired.  I had energy to spare.  What happened?  I knew.  God was saying "I've got this.  I will give you more than enough to get by.  Just keep on going."  I learned yet again how to surrender a bit more. 

The refiner's fire is painful.  Yet down in the valleys are where the most growth happens.  With His help, I can slowly learn to be thankful for this.